A week a go today!

So I've been meaning to write a blog for sometime now, but recent incidents have pushed me into action. This blog will be about the good and hard times of living with Stage IV lung cancer. It's not a downer but it's real.  I'm hoping to live as full a life as I can, and treat this disease as something I can manage and live my best possible life.

I hope to share tales of the fun I have with my family as well as some of the struggles we face too.
I've called it "Makeup and meds" because what you see is all an illusion. What you see on the outside may not be what's really going on deep within. Hope you follow me on this rollercoaster ride!!!! Fortunately for me I live in the best country in the world and have access to amazing medical treatment and medication that keeps me going, and fortunately for me I've always loved makeup and dressing up....so everyday I put on my face and start! I may look better than what's going on beneath but sometimes I don't feel it......but honestly most of the time I feel great and just happy to be here.

Today, like the 19th of June 2017 (the day I was diagnosed with stage IV lung cancer), is a day that will forever be etched into our memories. Because today, the 8th of January 2018, is the day I learned I have cancer in my brain too!
To say this news came as an utter shock is an understatement.

Let's start from the beginning.......On Saturday the 6th of Jan when getting the girls breakfast I had a bizarre experience. I felt like what could only be explained as a scene from "Inception" (you know the movie with Leonardo?), except I was the only one experiencing it! The room literally fell no top of me, I grabbed the breakfast bar, where I as standing to prevent myself and the girls from falling. I scared the crap out of the girls, they were screaming "Mum, mum!!!" "What's happening? Are you ok?" It lasted seconds but was so real. I had to sit down and it is from that moment onward that the room never stopped moving.... Not spinning, just moving! I felt nauseous, scared and concerned but thought I just needed to sleep it off. So that's what I did for the majority of the day, but we also tried family time playing in the outdoor inflatable pool and watching a family movie.

The next day, I woke up not much better. Kane insisted I go to Cabrini Hospital Malvern, as they have my history. I thought we could just go to Chemist Warehouse for some Stemetil. Luckily my husband was switched on and has more clues than me. So on the morning of Sunday the 7th of January we made our way over to Cabrini Emergency department presenting with what I thought was extreme dizziness or vertigo. Boy was I wrong!!!

It was an extremely busy morning at Cabrini, no beds, although they took me straight on to a trolley hidden in reception. I was there for most of the day before I met a talented doctor, Dr Champion (no jokes his name is Champion) he knew something wasn't right. He did a series of tests and ordered a CT scan and insisted I stay overnight against my wishes, he wanted me to have an MRI in the morning. Thankfully he was so insistent and I didn't protest to much. I honestly thought I'd go in for some Stemetil and leave in time for partying at Sean and Katie's house later that afternoon.
Anyway the CT scan came back clear but he still wanted me to stay, because at this stage I couldn't walk unaided. I listened.

Monday 8th of January 2018
At about 7:30am met with 2 oncologists who both said they didn't suspect anything dire and that I should be going home after the MRI later that day. So I had the MRI suspecting nothing. I then rested. Kane arrived at the hospital not too much late on.
Later that afternoon the news that I received couldn't have been further from my mind, (in my mind I was going home, I'm fine...... Well that's what thought). The oncologist asked how I was feeling to which I replied "a little better". I asked "did the scan show anything?". She's said "yes." Instantly I felt a lump in my throat and my thoughts went to my girls. "What did you find?" I asked. She said "lots of little tumours all over the brain but mainly in the back of the brain." It would explain the excruciating migraines and dizziness I've been experiencing for the last few months. This news was like whack to the face, it jolted us, to say the least!!! The same questions entered my mind. Why? How? This can't be, I need to be here for my girls. This is so unfair. It's so unfair on them. My poor family. I'm healthy. I've never smoked. How can the cancer be in my brain? Why was it not detected earlier? No it's not going to be the end of me. I won't let it. Cancer can suck balls!

I just can't stop thinking about my girls. They're young. They need me for a long time. I plan to be here for all their important milestones.....  First day at school, last day at school, getting their license, going to university, having a boyfriend, getting married, having babies....... I need to be here for all of this. I have to be. There's no other option.
This is so unfair on them. It's not the life I wanted for them. They need a mother. They need me. They are so young, they don't deserve this. My poor dolls. I want to protect them from this. I will. They're good kids. How can this be their life? I can't let it be. But far out lung and brain cancer, the odds are against me. Both are the most aggressive cancers with the shortest life expectancy. I've got a tough battle beating this, but I have to. I will not go for my girls! Cancer can get stuffed!
Later that day surrounded by my family (fortunately kids are having a sleepover with nana Larraine, so we're not with us) I had a meeting with the amazing Dr Ian Porter my Radio Oncologist. He spoke about what they found and the next steps. He is amazing. He is informative but somehow lifts the mood even when the news isn't too great. He informed us that tomorrow they are going to make a special mask for me to protect my eyes and ears from the radiation, and then over the next few days they are going to map my brain for radiation on my whole brain.....FAR OUT!!!
He told us there are hundreds of little tumours over the whole brain (the size of salt granules) and this is the best way to treat it! I will have 2 weeks of intense radiation. They need to be careful of my eyes and ears so as to not cause permanent damage. But they most importantly need to kill the cancer and save my life.
It's scary and I couldn't do it without Kane by my side. I'm scared too babe, I don't know what the future holds. All I know is I'm strong, stubborn, defiant and don't know what means to give up! I will fight this cancer maggot until I beat it! There's no alternative. You are my soldier, you're compassionate, sensitive but strong too and we can get through this together and still tick off some bucket list items along the way. I know we'll build our home for our girls and we'll take trips where we can. I refuse to give in or give up! This is not going to be my story, it's not the way I go out. I have too much to do and too much to live for. I refuse.

A nurse in the cardiac ward (where I was originally placed) said "Now you just need to focus on quality of life". No I want both, I want longevity and quality. I want a quality life that is long and full of memories!! I want to be a grandmother for all my girls. I need to be here for them. She was sweet though, both her and another nurse held my hands and cried with me. They suggested I needed my own room, which I agreed, however, there were none available in the cardiac ward. She said I could move to the oncology ward but I'd have new nurses. I thanked her and said I'd like my own room. She left Kane and I to our teas and asked us to think over it....... So sweet, she wanted me to stay. I felt devastated to tell her on her return that I decided on my own room. She was disappointed but understanding. Amazing really!

So we have a long road ahead, faced with new challenges. I don't know what to do but fight. I'm scared no doubt. I'm scared of not winning and not being here, but I have to try and give it all that I have because I can not imagine the alternative.
During this journey many people have said to me "Cassy you look great", "Are you sure you're sick?". I love hearing this, makes me feel better even though it may not be representative of what's lurking underneath. But it's so nice to hear regardless. But I compare it to magicians, just as magicians have smoke and mirrors, I have my own illusion..... Makeup and meds!!! It's all an illusion!  It makes me feel better to look and feel the best I can even though the truth is not what you see.
So for someone who has been "faking it " with makeup and meds, I won't be able to do it much longer. Because I will most certainly loose all my hair. After 2 weeks of treatment I won't have any hair. I'm not going to lie this is shocking and I'm sure it's going to be confronting. My hair is a massive part of my features, it's big, very big, long and is just Cassy. I don't know how I'll feel seeing chunks in my bed, falling out between my fingers. I don't know how it will make my kids feel. But I soon put it into perspective, I can't imagine this being easy but I think I can rock a funky head scarf or slick short hair style.....it will give me the courage to go short.... Very short! I just want to be alive..... They need to save me.

So today Monday the 8th of January 2018 is another day that will be constantly etched into our memories. Brain cancer what the???
Despite all this I am grateful, I am grateful to be in Dr Ian Porters hands. I trust him implicitly. I trust he'll do all he can do to save me.
I'm grateful for my army of support. I have the best support army, family, friends, mothers group, school Mum's, kinder Mum's and teachers and the list goes on and on..... I'm blessed.
All I know for sure is that life is uncertain, so we need to make the most of everyday.
Family is everything, hold you loved one tighter each night because who knows what's around the corner. Literally anything can be. I sing "Goodnight sweetheart to my girls every night" I'm going to make sure I don't miss a night even if they're not with me. #creatingmemories

Life is precious and fragile..... Cherish it, do what's important to you as much as you can! This isn't a rehearsal we have one go at life..... Make it spectacular! For me spectacular means spending quality time, making the most of every moment and creating life long memories for my girls. I want them to look back fondly of all our crazy times together #celebrateeverything
All I want is to be satisfied by living a full life, watching my girls grow into the magnificent women I know they will be. I want to see who they become and what greatness they accomplish. I truly hope I get to see and experience that. I want to make more memories with my family. I want to laugh more, play more and just do more with them.
The road ahead is long, but I'm up for the fight! I'm needed, I need to be here. So let's do this and get back to #creatingmemories and #livinglifetoitsfullest #Kickitsass #lions #cancercangetstuffed