Stuff's getting real!

Tuesday 9th Jan
I woke up in my new suite. It was just a little more comfortable than the shared room, although I had a really tough night! The pain was through the roof. I'm on over 20 medications now (steroids for nausea, inflammation and pain, cancer drugs, narcotics for pain, antacids, reflux meds, nausea and vomiting tablets, bowel tablets, dizziness tablets, relaxation drugs and sleep drugs to name a few). Trying to get the balancing act of amounts that are right for me is a work in progress, and last night didn't work.
The oncologists came in this morning at about 7am and discussed doubling the doses. Whatever works!!! Then the radiation oncology specialist (Dr Ian Porter) came in and discussed what was going would happen today.
It was all getting real today. Because today my radiation mask was being made. So just before lunch 2 young men got me ready in a stretcher and guided me through the hospital I was to be transported in an ambulance with Kane (first time for both of us) to The Genesis Centre at Footscray hospital. This is where they would make a custom mask that I will use for the duration of my 10 whole brain radiation treatments. The mask is made out of a plastic mesh which is heated to 74C and then carefully moulded to my face and measured. The next couple of days will be spent marking out where the cancer needs to be radiated!
It was a confronting and scary experience, just knowing why they need to go through this process is scary enough.... But I was ok. I'm hoping to go home tomorrow...... I have heaps to do. Up until yesterday I couldn't walk unaided (without a walking frame), today I can but still struggle on stairs. I'm getting stronger!

So on the trip back to Cabrini in the ambulance I thought I’d use the time to make some appointments…..you see Kane and I have been planning to build our family home (for the girls to grow up in, our “forever home”). We decided to go ahead with the plans (even though it may seem bizarre timing) but we feel it will give us a positive project to work towards and keep ours minds occupied with something other than cancer! So, I called our builders, Thomas Archer (who by the way have been nothing short of incredible in trying to meet our timeframes and expectations, an absolute delight to work with!) and hoped to move our colour selection appointment a little earlier. Upon calling Eden from the stretcher in the ambulance she asked (because of the noise) “Where are you?” to which to replied “I’m in an ambulance but I’m OK”. She most definitely thought I was crazy! I asked if we could move our colour appointment slightly earlier on the 11^th of Jan, so that I could make my first radiation appointment for later that afternoon, she obliged straight away but couldn’t believe that I still wanted to do it that day 😊 Hehehehe I guess that’s how I roll…..I’ve been looking forward to this day and needed to make it work.

Tonight, before Kane left to go home I spoke to him about a bizarre experience I had. Last night (Monday 8th) I was struggling, didn't want to be in hospital, wasn't dealing with the whole brain cancer diagnosis, I was in pain, I just wanted to get out of there. My head was in a bad place. I picked myself out of my mood and just decided to try and sleep. Now I'm not particularly spiritual but when I turned around I felt 2 strong tugs on my back of my blanket. I wasn't scared, I was relaxed. To me it felt like my nana’s presence. She passed almost 2 years ago and was one of my closest friends. To me it felt like she was there and was telling me to suck it up, be strong and get on with fighting...... Because that's who she was!
I'm on a lot of drugs and it may not have anything to do with that..... But it gave me comfort. I will Nan...... You were the strongest person I knew..... I'll draw on that for sure!